After an Affair

Best Divorce Possible

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A peaceful Divorce? AFTER AN AFFAIR?! How on earth?!

You are facing one of the toughest divorce situations

When you are getting divorced because of an affair, it's a whole different ballgame.

It may seem impossible to have productive, practical conversations about divorce agreements because you are both in such different places.

The betrayed partner gets overwhelmed by sadness, anger, or anxiety. Any and every conversation can devolve into either sobbing or screaming. Sometimes, this is because of the pain of being betrayed; they want to be able to express, process and heal that pain. Other times, it is because of the shock; they didn't see this coming and the panic of facing divorce hits them without warning. The hurt partner wants so badly to make sense how their life wound up in this place, and sometimes that means they seek revenge or want to do things out of spite. They feel powerless and out of control because they didn't decide this nor want it.

The partner who had the affair doesn't want to talk about it at all. They aren't interested in trying to help the hurt partner process their feelings. That's because talking about the affair triggers shame and seems pointless. They see it as in the past and talking about it isn't going to un-do the past. Talking about the affair also makes them feel guilty or ashamed, which then makes them feel anger and frustration toward the hurt partner. The partner who had the affair may also want to start a new life with their affair partner. They want to stay focused on figuring out the practicalities of how to separate households so they can move on.

This is exactly why a coach and mediator can help.

I help the hurt partner feel heard, which calms their emotional system and brings them gently back to decision-making. This helps the partner who cheated feel like they are making progress.

I help the partner who had the affair feel able to be patient with their soon-to-be-ex's pain. I also help them express what may have been happening for them that led to that choice. This helps the hurt partner have a sense of understanding and healing. Thus, both people get a little bit of closure and can go forward as healthier parents mentally.

Together, I help them form a mutual narrative about not just the affair, but the areas of breakdown in the marriage that preceded the affair. This helps them learn from the experience, heal the wounds it caused, and go into the future as better parents and people.

We work on achieving a level of acceptance about the circumstances for the divorce while also making decisions and taking steps to reach a divorce agreement.

These two processes--the emotional and the practical--go hand in hand. As you are able to feel calmer, you are able to express yourselves in healthy ways. As you each identify and express what you think is best for your family, you can find areas of agreement. As you work through this difficult process and arrive at a peaceful agreement, you begin to develop a respect for each other that will serve your children more than you know!

Even if you're divorcing because of an affair, you can co-parent with respect and kindness
Even if you're divorcing because of an affair, you can share your child's events and milestones together
Even if you're divorcing because of an affair, you can and will find peace and happiness again

You are both going through very tough stuff

To the partner who was Cheated on:

I bet you are so mad. And so incredibly sad.

I bet you are feeling betrayed, disgusted, confused, shocked, hurt, exhausted, worried, pissed, insecure and much more.

If you are divorcing because your spouse had an affair, I am so sorry for what you are going through. This will be one of the most painful life experiences you will ever have, and it was at the hands of someone who promised to love you and care about you for a lifetime.

Your spouse once promised to honor, love and be faithful to you. And instead they lied, cheated and showed disregard for your feelings and marriage. It's so hard to wrap your head and heart around the disappointment and disgust.

You may accuse your spouse of not caring about your kids because of what they did in the marriage. They definitely were not caring about the consequences of their affair on the children's other parent (you), nor were they thinking about how much an affair would change the kids' lives (due to divorce). Lastly, they were not thinking about how the kids may judge their actions in the future, if ever they find out (or more likely, figure it out).

Even still, it's possible for you to have a peaceful divorce. You can have a healthy co-parenting relationship with your cheating spouse. I know it seems impossible, but it isn't. It won't be easy, that's for sure! It will take a tremendous amount of maturity and selflessness. But I know that you are concerned about how your divorce will affect your children. You know it's best that their parents find a way to a kind, peaceful way of interacting despite the tragic and painful reasons for the divorce.

I can help you heal from this terrible experience and have a future that feels peaceful, safe and happy again.

To the Spouse who Had an affair:

To the partner who was Cheated on:

You feel bad about what you did, but you also feel justified. Even if your marriage was not going well at the time of your affair and even if you did want to leave your marriage...you still feel bad about the way you went about it.

At the same time, you feel your spouse is putting more blame on you than you deserve. Yes, you were the one who broke the fidelity vow, but you believe you both made mistakes or failed to prioritize the relationship for months or years prior. You become frustrated that your partner won't acknowledge that there were lots of problems in your marriage before you started your affair.

I imagine you are concerned about what your kids will think of your choices if they find out that your affair was the reason Mommy and Daddy got divorced. It feels unfair that something you did to your partner could affect your closeness with your kids.

If you are trying to transition your affair into a relationship, you will be experiencing specific stressors. You may be juggling the strong reactions of your spouse as well as the frustration or demands of the third person in the equation. While the affair was blissful and fun, a real relationship with that same person is now more complicated and difficult. And then there are all the struggles around introducing your kids. Taking an affair relationship into the real world is not without its difficulties.

You probably want the terms of the divorce to be decided quickly so you can move on with your life, but your spouse seems to be purposefully delaying or getting in the way of that. You can't understand why they just can't accept the marriage is over and move on. You get more frustrated with them every day.

I know it seems impossible to have a peaceful co-parenting relationship with your ex after an affair, but I assure you it is possible. It will take a lot of maturity and selflessness on your part. I know that you are thinking about your children's outcomes. You don't want your choices to hurt them or cause lasting emotional side effects. You know that what's best for them is for their divorced parents to get along.

Despite the strong emotions, you can do this

This is nothing less than a crisis. but you will get through it.

You are in the midst of a family and marital crisis. It's ok for you to be all over the place emotionally. It's normal if you have had sleepless nights, or days where you can't eat. It's par for the course if you can't get through a work day without crying or being distracted. It's to be expected that every song you hear on the radio triggers you. You are facing a major change to your life and your family, and it's all-consuming.

As you are trying to get through each day, it can feel impossible to focus on things like selling your house, deciding on a custody schedule, or figuring out who gets what furniture. While one of you may be focused on being decisive and taking action to speed up this limbo period, the other one may want to take their time. This can cause frustration in an already frustrating situation.

I assure you that it will get easier, and It will get betterI. Finding the right help and guidance during this process is key. You can and will come to decisions for you and your family. And then you will settle into your new life. And before long, you will enjoy your new life.

You can each use this experience to learn important life lessons and to grow into your best selves and best life. But first, you have to go through this very difficult period.

I'm here to help make it easier.